reflections on my father

Sunday, November 26, 2006
Network connection detected

My computer detects several wireless connection every time I turn it on at home. It prompts me for a security password when I try to connect. The only one I can connect to belongs to me of course.


For the longest time I've been visiting Dad. I always detect his "network," but whenever I try to connect, I fail the security password test, and so I am kept outside his world.

Yesterday, he let me in.

I went to see him in the late morning. Three of my cousins came to see him. He was all chirpy and himself again. It has been a long time since I've seen him talking and joking and teasing like that. Of course he kept repeating himself -- but I could see he really wanted to connect. He kept asking for all his favourite things to eat.

After my cousins left, I sat there with him. I wanted so much to get inside him again. The last time we talked was when I was with Chomper. The old man whom everyone thinks is demented connected in a way that was very meaningful to the two of us. I had wished with all my heart that we could talk again that way... and we did.

We both cried a lot yesterday.

This is the gist of our conversation, not word for word and not exactly in sequence. I held his hands, sometimes I stroked his head. I kissed him on his forehead. Many times there were long pauses and there were many repeats. He still has trouble finding words to say.

NP: Dad, all my friends say I have a very good father.
Dad: Oh is it?
NP: Yes, and I think so too. Daddy you are a very good father. You have been very good to me.
Dad: (Teary, he beat his breast) No I've been no good.
NP: You have been Daddy. You were always there for me.
Dad: I was?
NP: Yes, you comforted me when I was sad.
(Dad was with me when I broke up with my first boyfriend)

NP: Remember when you came to see me in Los Banõs?
Dad: (Looks at me surprised) What did we do in Los Banõs?
NP: You met my friends, we went to see many places. You came to my world. My friends were jealous that I had a Dad who took the trouble to come and see me.
Dad: (Smiles) Oh.
NP: You came to see me when I was in the US .
Dad: Oh, where in the US ?
NP: In Colorado Springs. We hired a car and drove around...

NP: Thank you Daddy for everything.

NP: I'm so glad to see you are better Daddy. Do you know where you are?
Dad: Where am I?
NP: You're in the hospital Dad.
Dad: What am I doing here?
NP: You were very sick. I brought you in on Wednessday. It's Saturday today.
Dad: Am I better now?
NP: No Dad, you are still not well. But you are much better than when I brought you in.
Dad: What's wrong (with me)?
NP: You have a lung infection. But you are responding to the medicine... See this tube? That's the medicine... Your hands, they are not swollen any more.
Dad: Oh?
NP: Yes, you pulled out your tube four or five times. That's why it was swollen. It's ok now. You look so much better now.
Dad: Thank you.

Dad: Where are we going?
NP: We are not going anywhere Dad.
Dad: How long have I got to wait?
NP: It's all in God's timing Daddy.
Dad: (emphatically) You are right.
NP: Daddy, one day God will take you home. I want you to know that I will miss you very very much. I love you very very much Daddy.
Dad: I will miss you too. I love you very very very much. (Points his hand on his heart, cries) I have you here.
NP: I will always always remember you Daddy. I will never forget you. I love you.
Dad: I love you too.

I took his hand and put it to my breast.
NP: Daddy, I will always have you here.

Dad: (Squeezes my hand tight) I love you very very much.
NP: I love you very very much too Dad. Don't you ever ever forget that.
NP: Daddy, it's all in God's timing when he will take you home. God is our Good Shepherd. That's your favourite Psalm, Psalm 23 - The Lord is my Shepherd.
Dad: Yes he is.
NP: He takes care of us. He feeds us and protects us and leads us.
Dad: Yes.
NP: You listen to him Daddy. You don't stop talking to him.
Dad: Yes I do.
NP: While you are here, God has a purpose for you Daddy. A very important purpose. You have to pray for all of us. It's all in his time.

NP: What do you remember of me Daddy?
Dad: I remember a little boy (he has trouble finding the exact words)
Dad gestured like he was carrying a little child. He cries. He strokes the child.
NP: (crying) You saw me being born Daddy. You were there.
Dad: Yes I was.

Dad: Where are you going?
NP: I'm not going anywhere Dad.
Dad: What are we doing?
NP: We are being together. We are loving each other.
Dad: Yes. Thank you.

Dad: Who else is coming? (He asked several times)
NP: S (sis-in-law) is coming in a while. B (brother) will come tomorrow. Mum will come this evening.
Dad: Where are you going? (He was concerned because I had been there for some time)
NP: It's ok Dad. I'm not going anywhere. When the visiting hours are over, they might shoo me away, then I'll go.
Dad: Ok. (He leaned back on his bed more relaxed)

Dad: What have you been doing?
NP: I've been very busy at work.
Dad: What are you doing?
NP: I've two videos to make.
Dad: Oh.
NP: I finished writing my book.
Dad: What is your book about?
NP: It's about aunty Esther. You met her remember? She's a missionary among the sea gypsies.
Dad: Yes.
NP: I'm helping my mentor to design his book too.
Dad: Ok.
NP: You pray for me Dad. I need your prayers.
Dad: I will.

Dad: What am I doing?
NP: You are being my father. You are loving me. You have an important work to do Daddy. You have to keep praying for me.
Dad: Yes. I will. I always do.

Dad is in an open ward. There are six patients in his room. People were walking in and out. I was thankful God gave him a corner bed. I couldn't stop my tears. Neither could he.

I was embarrassed. But I decided it didn't matter any more. I was connecting with Dad. How I miss him. I just thought how precious our time was.

Dad: Are you going? (I was there a long time. He was concerned)
NP: No Dad. I want to stay with you.
Dad: Thank you.

Dad: What are we doing?
NP: We are loving each other Daddy...

I am crying even as I write this.

More than just connecting with my Dad, I am connecting with my heavenly Father. He answered the cries of my heart to talk to my Dad at a deep heart-to-heart level, even if for just one last time.

I can only say how deeply grateful I am. MM was right. If God keeps Daddy alive, it's for me to learn to love.

posted by narnianprincess at 8:40 AM  
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Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Repeat broadcast

Dad and I had another repeat telecast of heart-to-heart connection last night.

He had to have a procedure to remove water from his lungs yesterday afternoon. I went in the evening to see how he was doing. The whole procedure went well though he was complaining of pain.

I grabbed a piece of tissue to scribble the new things he said to me...

Dad: since you were like that (he guestured like he was rocking a baby, then he made like he was petting a little child's head), I loved you till now.

Dad: I love you very very very much (emphatically, with tears)

NP: Dad, one day the Lord will take you home
Dad: Yes I know
NP: Daddy I will miss you very very much
Dad: I will miss you too, very very much
NP: But for now you have a purpose here Daddy
Dad: What is it?
NP: You are teaching me to love
Dad: (cries)
NP: Daddy you have work to do. You have to pray for me. That is your work now
Dad: I do, every every day I do
NP: Thank you Daddy. Can you pray for me right now?
Dad: (grabs my hand tight, closes his eyes and prays) I love you very very much. Thank you. Thank you.
NP: Thank you Daddy
Dad: I'm wanting everyday to see my daughter every day (interesting he finds the word to say, "daughter", he's been having lots of trouble finding words
NP: Daddy I love you, you know that don't you?
Dad: Yes I know

Dad: Who's coming?
NP: No Daddy, no one else is coming. Mum came this afternoon. And Brian will come tomorrow. We are taking turns to come. It's late now
Dad: What time is it?
NP: It's almost past 8.30 pm. See it's dark outside, can you see?
Dad: No I can't see... it's late... you go home, you go home...
NP: It's ok Daddy, I want to be with you
Dad: (teary)

Dad: How are you going home?
NP: By bus
Dad: You go home, it's late...
NP: Ok Daddy, I'll go home now. I love you Daddy (kiss him on the forehead). Good night Daddy. I'll see you
Dad: (grabs my hand very tight) I love you (he glues his eyes on me as I leave)

Thank you God for Dad. Thank you for the time with him. Thank you for his love for me. And for letting me hear it.

posted by narnianprincess at 12:21 PM

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Friday, December 01, 2006
Network Connection Down

Dad was in a foul mood last night. He scolded me in my face unprovoked. I held his hand and stroked his hair and sang to him and tried to re-establish connection. He's shut down again. But more than shut down, he slammed the door in my face.

It hasn't caused any dents in our relationship. I already know where we stand with each other.

posted by narnianprincess at 9:32 AM
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Monday, December 04, 2006
At peace

Dad was transferred to the isolation ward on Saturday night. They said he has TB.

I am taking it all well and am peace as far as his and my relationship is concerned. I have made peace with him. I have told him all my thank you's and I love you. And he has done the same for me. If my Father should take him home, I will be sad and I will miss him. But I am also comforted that I will see him again. My concern now is to see that he gets the best care and is a comfortable as we can make him. The matter is all in Father time and good hands.

posted by narnianprincess at 10:40 PM
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